Reflections...
I usually use this blog as a diary to myself, of the daily life of my beautiful children. I guess today it has a different purpose. I love to write..journaling is a part of my life, and keeping records of life is so important to me. I suppose that is why I scrapbook and blog and journal....so that someday when I am gone, my boys will know how I felt. This coming Thursday, December 13th will be the fourth anniversary of my mom's death. Each year since she died, when December 1st hits, I have a hard time getting through the days until the 13th hits..This year has been different. I have been in constant reflection (which is normal for me), but not as sad as usual. I just read this fabulous book For One More Day by Mitch Albom (who wrote Tuesdays with Morrie), and was so moved by the book. It speaks about losing someone, and the possibility of getting one more day with that person..what you would say, do, etc.

One part of the book really hit me...it said, "I hope you never hear those words. Your mom has died." Of course I remember that moment when I was told that my mom had died...It is just a surreal thing. I know that I have so much sadness, anger, resentment, and loneliness in my heart, ever since she left this earth. She never got to meet my boys, or got to see ME as a mom. When I see my friends with their moms or talk about their moms and how their moms know and love their children, it just tugs at my heart every time. I wonder if they know how lucky they are? I know they can't possibly know...You don't know what it's like, until you know.

God has blessed me with this awesome role as mom. As all of us moms know, it's a daunting task. We love it, think we're doing a good job, and then feel like we're failing. I have realized these last few weeks, that the idea of dying drives most of what I do. I don't want my boys to feel the way I do--alone, only left with my memories of her. I realized that my excessive scrapbooks, are all about my boys having that when I'm gone. My journals that I started to each of them when I was pregnant, is all about them having my written word when I am gone. In the book, there were several notes that the main character's mom had written to him. My mom wrote me notes all the time growing up..putting them in my lunch pail, my Bible, etc. I wish I had saved more of those...When I come upon something in her handwriting, I just feel like I have a piece of her right next to me. I guess this obsession with leaving my legacy behind might be a bit strange...But I do hope that someday it will bring comfort to my boys...Of course they're boys, so who knows if it will be appreciated :)

One part of the book said, "Mom. I hadn't said it in so long. When death takes your mother, it steals that word forever." This is just so true for me. I will never use that word to address someone, because my mom is no longer here. The power of that word is just so strong--I know it because I can no longer use it, and I know it because I am two little boys' mom. I wish she were here to know these fantastic boys...She would have been a great grandma, just as she was the best mom I've ever met.